Sunday, October 28, 2007


A week has gone by since my grandfather passed away.

I lived with my grandfather for three years from 9-12. Those were some of the best times I’ve ever remembered from my childhood. Grandfather was a tough military man who joined Mao’s long march up north when he was just 14 years old. Although no taller than I am, he walked faster than most teenager in his 80s and smoked like a chimney. Grandfather liked to play poker and hated to see people cry. Under his iron fist I learned to laugh and cry at the same time. A ridiculous thing I still do ‘til this day.

The news came to me from my mother after she read it on the news paper. Since my parents are not on speaking terms after the divorce, it was my responsibility to call father to send him my condolences. It’s astonishing how much hatred there can be between two people who once loved each other enough to promise to spend the rest of their lives together. I guess with bigger commitment comes bigger disappointment. Despite few initial attempts, I quickly gave up on dialing. It was easier to live with the guilt than trying to search for few inadequate words in a language I no longer master. It hurts I know very well that those words probably mean everything to dad. I remember the night we visited my grandmother in the hospital when I was four. She was terminally ill and even at that young age I was well aware it was our last visit. We were not close but she was my grandmother. Before entering the hospital father meticulously rehearsed everything I was suppose to say. “Tell grandmother to get better so she can come visit you in Beijing. Make sure you invite her to see you next year.” I knew it was a lie but I didn’t know how difficult it was to lie in front of my dying grandmother. I was choked up with tears and nothing came out of my mouth. Mother tried to take me away from the bed so father could stop pressuring me to talk. He was very upset afterwards. I understood his anger but there was nothing I could have done. Grandmother passed away few months later while we were in Beijing. Father never made home soon enough on the train to see her for the last time. I think he’s still bitter about that to this day. At least I’m sure he was at my grandfather’s side when he passed away. At least I saw my grandfather in Jan. when I was in China. The same visit I also saw my father for the first time in 14 years.
I miss them but it’s still easier to live with the guilt. I have a feeling father probably felt the same way in those 14 years.

Saturday, October 20, 2007


I’m not religious but sometimes superstitious. Here’s my horoscope from the D&C today:

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You will face some opposition from the ones you love but that shouldn't stop you from following through with plans you made a long time ago. Changes at home may be sudden but, if you think matters through, you will realize you will be better off in the end. 3 stars

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Pensalo Bien

Pensalo bien,
antes de dar ese paso,
que tal vez maƱana acaso
no puedas retroceder.

Sunday, October 14, 2007


"Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance. If the dispositions of the parties are ever so well known to each other, or ever so similar beforehand, it does not advance their felicity in the least. They always continue to grow sufficiently unlike afterwards to have their share of vexation; and it is better to know as little as possible of the defects of the person with whom you are to pass your life."
from Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, a woman who was never married.