Sunday, January 29, 2012

A New Chapter

Another day to relax before going back to the grind. The afternoon was spent on Dorado beach, about a half hour away from downtown. The drive there through the forest and montains was beautiful. The beach has long been a favorite hangout spot for the locals on the weekend. It's low tourist season now so the beach was sparse other than a few local families. The town is less built here and once you walk pass the public beach there is a long strech of untainted soft sand, palm trees and blue water.

I walked on the beach for a long time, taking in the sun. The water was warm, almost surreal. Unable to shut off my mind I thought, this is how it's going to be: me, alone in paradise.

Some women are blessed with wonderfully pleasing temperment, some are gifted with the skills to create such illusion, I manage to be an epic fail at either. Enough time has been wasted being delusional in thinking that somewhere out there in the big world there is someone for a little messed up weirdo like me. It's time to put that thought to rest and move onto plan B.

There is no guaranty in life and the only way to predict the future is to create it. Nothing is permenant except what I create as my own: knowledge, experiences and small realizations of life. There is no short cut or knight on a white horse. Now it's the time to spit out that apple pit and get my shit together.

This is not cynicism nor do I feel even the slightest sense of defeat. Life is complicated and even more so are relationships. It is what it is and I'm ok with it.

After a period of confusion, sadness, disappointment and even panic, I'm ready to turn the page and start a new chapter. The intermission is over. For the first time in ten years my mind is clear and I can feel strongly about something, something I can manage. Strong? I don't know but resilient I would like to be. I can actually say I'm happy.

In order to get a jump start on the next chapter this blog will be put on hold until June 15th so I can a wirewalker. :) Don't worry if you don't hear from me. Keep your fingers crossed for me. All is well. Stay tuned.

Isla Verde

Saturday, January 28, 2012

San Juan, PR

I have arrived. The view from the condo is beautiful. I can finally relax now. Everything is taken care of. Having already seen the popular sights years ago I'm now perfectly content to just sit on the balcony and watch the waves crashing onto shore. Last night I went to bed and thought this is not a clock radio! There's a real ocean outside! For a second I thought I can really get use to this but who am I trying to kid, I'm a stressholic. Still, for two days I'm going to try my best to relax and clear my mind. No work, no workout, no diet, no plans, no anxiety, no panic attacks, no stress. Leave all that behind. For now it's just me, the sun, the sea and yaucono con leche.
Isla Verde

Monday, January 23, 2012

Now Focus...

Like a wirewalker. 

Sunday, January 15, 2012

The Visit

Every trip back from mom is filled with tears and this one was no exception. Family things can be so complicated there's no need to dive into the details. Mom just have a unique gift of making me feel like I wish I was never born.
For the first time my step brother came down from Chicago with his new girlfriend for mom's birthday. We thought about going out for dinner but my hardworking parents labored all day for a lovely dinner at home. I felt a little bad for all the preparation that went into it but I think they were happy. Late in the evening I made a few comments on how I'm tired of being single out in the middle of nowhere. Mom said, oh, I know why you're still single. I thought: here we go again with a thousand and one things I need to improve on but rather than the usually stubbornness, intolerant, argumentative, lack of femininity and gracefulness she said "you're too conservative." Wow, I've heard a lot of adjectives about me over the years, good and bad, but conservative just never came up. 

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Take Time

Life rarely unfold the way we had planned. Sometimes with the departure of a person so goes a dream long in the making. In this therapy-happy, over-analyzed world knowing the root cause or even the logical solution for a problem doesn't make overcoming the emotions that much easier.

This blog has been up for quite sometime now. Every now and then someone commends me for my willingness to share things publicly. However, for the first time I feel exposed. I can get through anything. For now I'm exhausted for having stayed strong for so long. The only sensible advise I've ever heard on dealing with difficult emotions is that it takes time. So breath deep and take time. When all else fails hug the cats.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

The Warmest Day in Jan

Winter is barely discernible with the last two days well into the 50s. Global warmer is working and with the sun comes better mood and productivity. I got an early start this morning with the most painless oil change I've gotten in a long time. Back in MN it was dreadful to get any kind of car service done. Rather than buying/leasing a new car I will be driving mom's Honda for my 45-minute commute to work each day for the next year or two. It's not too bad since I carpool with Dina a few days per week. When I first got the car I couldn't decide which one was more bothersome: the fact that I'm driving an Accord or that I'm driving my mom's car. Now that I'm use to getting back to an automatic I have more appreciation for a simpler ride. What the car is lacking in character it is made up with practicality and efficiency. And besides, for a free car I really have nothing to complain about.

The town has a beautiful library, newly constructed in the last few years. In fact, today was the 4th anniversary of the new opening. Up until this afternoon I've always had to admire it from the outside as I drove to and from places. At last I am now officially integrated into this community with my very own Champaign Public Library card. The interior is even more impressive than the street view, expansive space with abundant seating area and floor to ceiling glass windows perfect for taking advantage of sunny days like today. I sat on one of the comfy sofas under the sunlight until I could no longer bare the heat. It was like being in B&N but better.

I know my OCD is getting worse when I feel the need to organize clothes when I go to TJ Maxx and arrange books at the library! Oh how lovely, the Dewey Decimal System. It reminds me of all the years I volunteered at the school library. The school had a comprehensive collection of classical music on LPs along with an old record player. Each morning I would come to school early to put on a Segovia recording or Horowitz playing Rachmaninoff and sort books returned from the previous day. It was a great way to start the day. I would do that again in a heart beat only now with a continuous flow of hot coffee.

The late afternoon was spent in the mall to grab some deals at the after Xmas sales. Just as the last ray of warmth falls below the flat land I inhaled the best bowl of Pho at one of my favorite eateries in town. This time it was the special rice noodles with pork and seafood in savory broth. I can't stand pho with two slices of meat flooding on a giant pile of carbs. Here there's no shortage of tasty roasted pork, fresh jumbo shrimp, baby squid and fish balls. My sinus have never felt so good between the steamy hot broth and excessive amount of hot sauce. A satisfying meal to wrap up the day.

Despite the occasional cynicism and sadness, not a day goes by when I'm not reminded of just how fortunate I really am. Some people say the future is full of uncertainty. There hasn't been many things that I wanted to do but could not accomplished. I'm not saying that out of arrogance but I do believe that the future will be what you make of it. I don't need much. One day I would like to have my own little bungalow in somewhere warm near the sea with abundant amount of great food, music, culture and natural scenery. For now I just read about it on the magazine.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Blog 651

The holidays came and went, everything is still the same and we're just that much poorer. Half way around the world and 650 blogs later I'm stuck in the Midwest, a place that's only palatable if you're a corn or a soybean. Surely it's a step up from rural MN with a handful of decent eateries and small tango community but nothing is ever good enough.

There was a time when I felt the newness in a new year now it's just the start to another countdown to nothing. I realize this blog is a bit morbid. It's likely that I just have a bad case of SAD. Despite a bit of stress and anxiety, internally I'm an eternal optimist. It will get better. It will always get better, at least that's what I keep telling myself.

As for new years resolutions, let's just stick with some attainable goals: live healthy, pass my exams and learn to dance salsa.