Not long ago I thought 30s would be the time for me to relax and enjoy myself. Now I feel like that couldn't be farther from the reality. With each new job comes a new disappointment; I feel more jaded now than ever. Lack of luster in my professional life coupled with unsuccessful personal relationships really puts me in a downward spiral. I used to pride myself for being confident, independent and positive. Lately all I can feel is doubt and insecurity. I don't know whether the weakness underneath is slowly spreading like cancer or has it always been there and I am just now noticing a benign tumor. Regardless of the prognosis, life goes on and I have to learn tuck in those insecurities and move along like the rest of the herd.
I won't find out my exam result for another week. The uncertainty is not helping but in the grand scheme of things it is rather insignificant. There's is a saying that goes something like the only difference between rich and poor people is that rich people know money doesn't translate to happiness. Although I don't fall into either category, I'm self sufficient enough to know a higher income at this point won't necessary raise my level of contentment. Life was easier when I was more hopeful and optimistic. It is not enough to always strive for something but rather to know or operate under the assumption that something is to ultimately bring a sense of satisfaction. I don't know if the ends will justify the means. What's worse is that I'm not even sure I know what are the ends I'm looking for!
I was on the verge of a mental breakdown before the exam. Jody suggested that I go into the woods and imagine myself being happy. There are two difficulties with that suggestion: 1, find a woods and 2, know what makes me happy. For the first time in my life I feel as if I have completely lost touch with myself. I'm pretty sure at one point fun and adventurous were among the words people used to describe me. What happened to that? I miss the old me (or rather, the younger me). What would the me from five years ago say to the me now if they could have crossed path?
I try to be honest with myself. However, there is one thing that is difficult for me to come to terms with. I can be a people person if I want to but above all I treasure privacy and solidarity. I've been on my own for a good two years now. It's becoming increasingly difficult to be alone. At the time, I needed to be on my own; I needed distance; I needed clarity; I needed time to think. It kills me to have to admit now that it is hard to be alone and that I do wish to be in a meaningful relationship. It kills me to have to admit that there are fundamental person problems such as insecurity, trust and commitment that are detrimental to relationships. It kills me to have to admit that there are certain things I want that I have no control over.
I won't find out my exam result for another week. The uncertainty is not helping but in the grand scheme of things it is rather insignificant. There's is a saying that goes something like the only difference between rich and poor people is that rich people know money doesn't translate to happiness. Although I don't fall into either category, I'm self sufficient enough to know a higher income at this point won't necessary raise my level of contentment. Life was easier when I was more hopeful and optimistic. It is not enough to always strive for something but rather to know or operate under the assumption that something is to ultimately bring a sense of satisfaction. I don't know if the ends will justify the means. What's worse is that I'm not even sure I know what are the ends I'm looking for!
I was on the verge of a mental breakdown before the exam. Jody suggested that I go into the woods and imagine myself being happy. There are two difficulties with that suggestion: 1, find a woods and 2, know what makes me happy. For the first time in my life I feel as if I have completely lost touch with myself. I'm pretty sure at one point fun and adventurous were among the words people used to describe me. What happened to that? I miss the old me (or rather, the younger me). What would the me from five years ago say to the me now if they could have crossed path?
I try to be honest with myself. However, there is one thing that is difficult for me to come to terms with. I can be a people person if I want to but above all I treasure privacy and solidarity. I've been on my own for a good two years now. It's becoming increasingly difficult to be alone. At the time, I needed to be on my own; I needed distance; I needed clarity; I needed time to think. It kills me to have to admit now that it is hard to be alone and that I do wish to be in a meaningful relationship. It kills me to have to admit that there are fundamental person problems such as insecurity, trust and commitment that are detrimental to relationships. It kills me to have to admit that there are certain things I want that I have no control over.