Saturday, June 23, 2012

Family

Regardless of what it may appear on the surface, family is a huge part of my life and my identity. I constantly feel guilty not being able to visit my relatives in China more often, especially my grandparents, who had raised me since I was a baby and taught me how to walk, talk and be the person that I am today.

Tucked in my planner is a list of things I've been putting off while studying for my exams and had planned to do over the summer. Among mundane tasks such as getting an oil change and hair cut were also visiting my parents and spending time with my cousin and her new baby. The idea of adding these things onto a to-do list and crossing them out upon completion may seem in-personal. But warm thoughts are meaningless until you've transformed them into actions. And with so many things that needs to be done these days, nothing is going to get done until you have prioritized it on your to-do list.

Today I met up with my parents at Lida's house in West Lafayette, IN. It was nice to get together for a homemade meal and it happened to be a Chinese holiday. Joanna has really grown since I last saw her. Everyone has a soft spot for babies. But today I felt something very unexpected I can't quite put my fingers on.


L&J

Out of all my cousins I've always felt particularly close to Lida. When mom left China for the US after I finished second grade, I moved in with Lida's family. Aunt and uncle treated me like their own daughter. Surely Lida and I had our fights and being a professional swimmer and 4 years older, she always own. Still, she was the older sister I never had. Although Lida moved here after getting married a couple of years ago, I rarely saw her with work and all. When I moved to Champaign I made a mental note to visit more often but from now on she'll be on my to do list.

Prior to the visit I asked Lida if there was anything she wanted to do. She said, "there is a pool next to the apartment but I haven't been able to go since my pregnancy and the birth of the baby." I know parenting takes a lot of sacrifices but it made me sad that she wasn't able to even take an hour out of the summer to go swimming. It was even worse after I walked up to her door and realized that the pool was literately next to her building.

The afternoon spent by the pool brought back vivid memories of the couple occasions when we went swimming as kids. It was a rare treat for me since without my parents' presence, all my relatives treated me as if I was going to melt with the slightest contact with water, fearing they may be liable if anything ever happened to me. Most of the time I would sit on dry land while others played in the water. Who would have guessed that my inability to swim until this day is a direct result of not having grown up with with my parents. Mom knows this and I can see the guilt and disappointment in her face whenever the subject comes up. Today she was so annoyed that she offered to pay for me to find a personal swim coach as soon as I go back home. Now I feel obligated to add swimming to my to do list just to make her feel better.

Fortunately, watching Lida swim made me feel relaxed and content. Maybe it's the idea of seeing someone finally doing something they are great at. To me she will always be the best swimmer. On the way back I felt a little sadness and it got worse as the evening progressed. At first I thought I was sad for Lida for not being able to have more time to herself, or maybe the uncertainties in her life. Then, it struck me, I was sad about myself.

Usually when I see Lida I see flashes of childhood memories and I feel as if we are still kids. Seeing her with Joanna today really forced me to come to the realization that we are not kids anymore. People say kids make their parents feel old but no one warned me that other people's kids could make you feel just as old! It was hopeful to see the start of a new life, a blank slate, a new shot at accomplish great things. Yet, it was melancholic for me to reflect on just what I've done with my tabula rasa. I'll be 29 this fall. I've never thought of myself as old but today I realized that I'm no longer young either. There are tons of things I want and need to do still. And as I continue on this journey I can't help but to wonder if I would ever really find that special someone or have kids of my own. For a few minutes I cried like a baby. Up until recently I thought rather light of those things. They are nice to haves but certainly not necessary for a fulfilled life. Something changed in me. Tick tock, is that the clock I hear?

How sour sweet music is
When time is broke and no proportion kept!
So is it in the music of men's lives.
And here have I the daintiness of ear
To check time broke in a disorder'd string;
But, for the concord of my state and time,
Had not an ear to hear my true time broke.
I wasted time, and now doth time waste me;
For now hath time made me his numbering clock:
My thoughts are minutes; and with sighs they jar
Their watches on unto mine eyes, the outward watch,
Whereto my finger, like a dial's point,
Is pointing still, in cleansing them from tears.

- King Richard II, Act V, Scene 5

No comments: