Saturday, August 11, 2012

Beautiful Day

It's a beautiful day today, sunny, breezy, cool, like the beginning of my favorite season, fall. Actually it's been a beautiful week. I went to the Sox game with Brett last Sunday. On the drive back I decided I should finally conquer long distance running. There are a few things I feel self conscious about: running, swimming and team sports. They are all very manageable things to overcome. Running requires the lease amount of setup and it'll give me the confidence to pursue other things in life. I started to run as soon as I came home on Sunday and have been running a little bit everyday. I read articles online, ordered books and a GPS/HRM unit to track my progress. I also reached out to Tricia, a friend I met through tango who has trained and ran numerous marathons and is in incredible physical condition. I realize everything is auxiliary and the only way to conquer running is to run.

I started to study for the LSAT again but not so stressed out as before. So far I've only done some light reading to ease myself back into the process and not get burnout quickly. There's nothing more counterproductive than hitting a brick wall at full speed. Studying or running. I feel better about my anxiety and depression these days. Who knows if I'm bipolar, I just feel more zen in my life. I think stop seeing Sam was the best decision I've made in a long time. It's no fault of his or mine. I just think the combination of us together accentuated the extremism in both of us in a negative way. I can be driven and hardcore at times. I need someone who can chill with me and help me to put things in perspective. If nothing else, just take me away for a little escape. After all life is about balance and I truly believe that.

I'm no more clear about the future than I was before. Most of the times future seems less clear the older we get. It's easy to think up paradigms when you are unaware of the myriad of factors, things and events, in life that are completely out of your control. It's our natural desire to constantly attempt to exert control over things that may or may not be controllable. Going with the flow is a consistent struggle yet it's the only way to bring some peace into our crazy lives. I'm constantly in recovery.

And speaking of controlling, sometimes are just not worth contemplating unless you have the luxury to actually making it a reality. Kids for example. People like to ask me about kids, what my thoughts on them whether or not I'd like to have them someday. I used to think that was something everyone did when I was young. As I got older I felt less so but I'm not sure if that's my personal inclination or the result of the type of relationships I've been in. I know strongly that having children is a serious business and it is not something I would attempt without a solid partnership. If two abortions don't partially prove that point I don't know what would. I knew I had to get an IUD no matter how painful and complicated it might have been and I'm glad I did that. Nowadays kids or no kids is not something I want to have a strong opinion on. It's simply irrelevant until it becomes a possibility. After all most of us don't wake up each morning wondering if we'd be willing to relocate to Mars.

Life is life and it's going to go on no matter whether we like it or not. My mantra has always been making the best of it. I think that's been a clear trend looking back at how I've lived my life. Even while in the middle of nowhere Minnesota I managed to find joy in road trips and other small happenings. I don't feel like a sponge but rather a single naked nerve cell that is exposed to the raw environment with no outer shell, deadly susceptible to everything around me yet continue to thrive. That's me, sensitive, resilient, positive with the audacity to see the beauty in everything. I have wings and I will fly.

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