Normality is a relative term. There was no shortage of
naysayers during the days when I jetted around the world. I had an atypical way
of funding my travels with no insurance and no one to take care of or depend on
other than my own. Thriving on resistance was a strength I had perfected over
years of unguided childhood and rather misguided adolescence. To me life was a
wild swing of fight or retreat. There was no middle ground, no any other way of
living. Once I started to travel, I realized that there was nothing more
exhilarating than blasting off and extricating myself from the gravitational
pull of societal norms. As long as I was floating in orbit and observing the
masses as an outsider, selfishly and weightlessly, I felt safe and content. To
me that was normal and everything I had to do to fulfill those peregrinations
were well within the parameter of my norm.
I now have a reputable job with insurance and a place to
call home. I could be the standard of normal to everyone else. Yet I have never
felt so irresolute and disoriented by the daily cycle of rinse and repeat. I
assessed my immediate environment obsessively. I dug down deep trying to
reconnect with the person that I used to be. Standing in a void I had two
options: seeking an adventure or returning to my roots. For practicality
reasons I choose the latter. Besides, it is the standard protocol to retrace
your path when you get lost on a trail.
Rochester is home. Seeing people I know and love made me
feel grounded. They understood my ramble. They empathized with my quandary.
They supported my whimsy. Their faith in everything I do gave me a little more
faith in myself. Besides, there will always be Rochester, my peace tucked away
in a safety deposit box.
I’m calmer now. I
don’t have a solution, or even the sight of one on the distant horizon.
However, I have gained some sense of clarity, acceptance and even appreciation
for my current state of mind. Midlife crisis isn’t a specific point through the
succession of physical years. It happens when you have gotten all the low
hanging fruits, met all your basic needs and reached a plateau in life where
the next thrill, excitement and major accomplishment is that much harder to
obtain. It’s easy to make linear progressions when we’re younger. After a
while, those trail markers and mile stones become less defined.
Rather than an intersection or divergent paths I have
arrived at an inflection point at a clearing. I could set life on cruise
control like I’ve observed from so many others around me or I could stay true
to the character that I so painstakingly developed over the years and get
creative to find my own meaning. I am a thoughtful and purposeful person. To
wonder aimlessly was not how I traveled nor is it a viable option now to drift
through life.
It’s true that I’ve put a lot of thoughts into all this
lately, so much so that it might even seem self-absorbed. I grew up on my own.
I spent a lot of time moving around, making new friends and leaving them
behind. Thinking was my way of coping with life. Later on my peculiar allergy
to alcohol only reinforced that coping mechanism. Thoughts were my respite. As
time went on I have completely relinquished any desire to mask my emotions. To
live is to feel. And to really live is to feel something so strongly that you’d
give up your life for.
Recently, someone handed me a pill and said, take this,
it’ll make everything ok. I looked back and asked, is everything not ok? I
realize there is no panacea to my quandary. I’m ok with that. I’m not looking
for a quick fix, an easy answer or a temporary escape. I am not sad nor am I
looking to be happy. I’m not wishing for some romantic encounter to swipe me
off my feet. I’m not looking to save the world, adopt a religion or join a
cult. I might be contrary at times but I’m not a contrarian nor is this is a
rebellion. I’m not looking to be wild or trying to fulfill some void from my
earlier adulthood. I have been wild. I have lived. I don’t need to be different
or extreme for shock value. I’m in search of something personal, something
meaningful, even something substantial and lasting.
Thank you for being there
for me.