Sunday, December 30, 2012

Night Before New Years Eve

I think Jody just put me on suicide watch when I told him I realized today that there is enough lorezapam in the house to put me to sleep forever. I took two after talking to my mom but they don't do anything for me. She had a way to break me into tiny pieces. I thought I wanted to have kids but at this moment i'm not sure if I want to deal with her with my kids.

Jody and I talked for a while. It's nice of him. We concluded that I need to have an obsession to occupy my time and thoughts so I don't spiral down to loneliness and depression all the time. I came to that conclusion six months ago and still have not come up with anything. Now I feel as if I'll never come up with anything. The truth is that the thrills are all gone. We're all entering into a time of emptiness and isolation. We can label it however we want but like Jody said we're all just waiting to die. It's the waiting part I don't understand. Why wait? I'd wait if there's something to look forward to. But there is nothing other than more disappointment for my mom and more loneliness and depression for me. We're all in a hospice waiting to die. There are no cure or treatment to be had. Life from now on is merely to be sustained by busy work. Volunteering, collecting stamps, having kids. Whatever it takes to sustain your sanity and heart beating long enough until you've got a legitimate excuse to checkout like cancer or a heart attack.

We weren't going to come up with a solution tonight or ever because there are no solutions. But what needed to happen is to have an illusion of solution so I can make it through another night to call Jody back at 5pm tomorrow. Surely things would be easier if I don't wake up but I really don't have any plans to checkout at the moment. I'm just incredibly sad, lonely, frustrated and depressed. I always wondered how in the world Jody and I became friends after all these years. Maybe it's gods way of putting together two crazy atheists together to commiserate how harsh life is without subscribing to an organized religion. I'm going to laying down and go to sleep.

When my brain is awake and unoccupied it thinks about falling in love and connecting with like minded and nonjudgmental people. neither of those things are going to happen so I must turn off my brain.

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