When people base their lives on blind faith, any encounter with a non-believer threatens the core of their existence. To persuade and convert others becomes a way to justify their own beliefs. I am not a religious person but I do have steadfast dogma on certain subjects such as love, sex and intimacy. When those values are being intrude upon, I feel a natural impulse to react. In fact thinking back, I've spent a good part of my young adult life in the defensive position. I never liked being there yet I was never able to extract myself either. I guess the thought of being understood was just all too alluring.
A brief encounter with the neighbor sent my mind into a tailspin. I've been down this road before but obviously I still don't know better. As it turns out, inexperienced twenty-some-year-old guys really can't distinguish the difference between urbanity and desperation. They always manage to flatter themselves and insult my intelligence at the same time with silly saying like, nothing is going to happen with us. Over a slightly heated discussion I told one young man that someday when he's old and bald sitting alone at a bar he's going to kick himself for not having spent more time with me when I invited him to. He asked to see me again six months after that exchange. I told him I was moving out of town. It felt good to know that he had to kick himself a lot sooner than I thought.
This time I didn't react verbally. Yet, my mind is nevertheless filled with judgment for all he stood for and defensiveness for all I believed in. That and he told me we should no longer interact with each other, at least not physically, because he is never going to marry me. WTF?! Who said I wanted to get married in the first place? And why in the world would I want to marry him???? And how arrogant of him to say never?!
When I went to meditation with Caroline this morning all I could feel was entanglement. Unable to calm my mind sitting quietly in front of the wall, I felt the need to write down my thoughts as if I was carving out the ten commandments. After all those years of oral persuasion that failed to serve me any good, I use this blog as my outlet instead. Writing is my way of reflecting my thoughts. When I understand my own thoughts I can feel understood. While I realize that this is the opportunity to practice non reaction, non judgment, including non judgment for people who judge people, I also want to be kind enough to myself to let my thoughts wonder just a little. We are only human and this is my practice.
If you ask ten people what is love and intimacy you'll get ten different answers. No one is right or wrong (except the neighbor is far out of left field). I always thought if I have kids I'd want them to understand that love and sex are two completely different things. You can have one or the other or both or neither. It's possible to experience the greatest love without sex. It's possible to experience the greatest sex without love. And it's possible to experience the greatest intimacy without either love or sex. I believe this wholeheartedly because I have experienced it time and time again. What makes the experience great is not what we do or how we categorize it but the fact we do it with compassion and openness.
Since when did qualifying every human interaction become such a popular pastime? People seem to be tirelessly searching for answers to questions such as what type of relationship are we in, what does this mean and where does this lead to? And worse than that, the twenty-some-year-olds are dishing out the phrase, "this is only sex and nothing else," as if they were handing out tic tacs. Then there are the really upside down, inside out and twisted people who subscribe to an ideal vision that only exist in their minds and use its non-existence an excuse to distance themselves from the reality.
When we label, we judge. When we condition our minds, we are incapable of feeling. When we are blinded by our visions we can not see what is right in front of us. Until we move beyond the relentless quest for answers and the imagined space that separates us we are no closer to the true experience than outsiders who are watching a sequence of events from afar. Be present, be awake, and be supple. Care not for where the road leads to but enjoy every step of the way. I hope to always give and receive with love and openness.
Take away the obvious rudeness of certain sayings, it is actually pleasant to spend time with the neighbor. We listen to music together. We talk about relationships, life, love, family. We do dishes together. We roll around and climb on top of each other like little kids. If we made a short documentary on intimacy it would show him telling me how many kids he wants to have, three, and what their names are, Garrett-after his favorite character from a fantasy book, Brynn for a girl and names of family members like Dan or Steve for the third one.
In Chinese we say you can't see the mountain if you're standing within it. As I smiled back at him I thought, someday many years from now, after you've tried on too many pairs of shoes that looks nice from the outside but never fit quite right, you're going to remember what we experienced here. You won't recall my name or what we've talked about but you will remember how I made you feel. You might even realize that it is possible to experience intimacy with a stranger and that even someone who doesn't fit your list of criteria can nevertheless make you feel understood.
Unlike the neighbor, Frank always knew the right thing to say at the right time. When I mentioned the interaction to him over dinner he cut me off before I could finish elaborating my thoughts and told me something I didn't realize I wanted and needed to hear. "You're having an affect on him," Frank said with absolute certainty, "no matter what happens from now on he'll never be the same again." And just like that, I felt understood, validated and relieved. For a street beggar, what's worse than not being given any money is not to be noticed. As confident and self-assuring as I am, at times a little acknowledgment can go a long way.
A brief encounter with the neighbor sent my mind into a tailspin. I've been down this road before but obviously I still don't know better. As it turns out, inexperienced twenty-some-year-old guys really can't distinguish the difference between urbanity and desperation. They always manage to flatter themselves and insult my intelligence at the same time with silly saying like, nothing is going to happen with us. Over a slightly heated discussion I told one young man that someday when he's old and bald sitting alone at a bar he's going to kick himself for not having spent more time with me when I invited him to. He asked to see me again six months after that exchange. I told him I was moving out of town. It felt good to know that he had to kick himself a lot sooner than I thought.
This time I didn't react verbally. Yet, my mind is nevertheless filled with judgment for all he stood for and defensiveness for all I believed in. That and he told me we should no longer interact with each other, at least not physically, because he is never going to marry me. WTF?! Who said I wanted to get married in the first place? And why in the world would I want to marry him???? And how arrogant of him to say never?!
When I went to meditation with Caroline this morning all I could feel was entanglement. Unable to calm my mind sitting quietly in front of the wall, I felt the need to write down my thoughts as if I was carving out the ten commandments. After all those years of oral persuasion that failed to serve me any good, I use this blog as my outlet instead. Writing is my way of reflecting my thoughts. When I understand my own thoughts I can feel understood. While I realize that this is the opportunity to practice non reaction, non judgment, including non judgment for people who judge people, I also want to be kind enough to myself to let my thoughts wonder just a little. We are only human and this is my practice.
If you ask ten people what is love and intimacy you'll get ten different answers. No one is right or wrong (except the neighbor is far out of left field). I always thought if I have kids I'd want them to understand that love and sex are two completely different things. You can have one or the other or both or neither. It's possible to experience the greatest love without sex. It's possible to experience the greatest sex without love. And it's possible to experience the greatest intimacy without either love or sex. I believe this wholeheartedly because I have experienced it time and time again. What makes the experience great is not what we do or how we categorize it but the fact we do it with compassion and openness.
Since when did qualifying every human interaction become such a popular pastime? People seem to be tirelessly searching for answers to questions such as what type of relationship are we in, what does this mean and where does this lead to? And worse than that, the twenty-some-year-olds are dishing out the phrase, "this is only sex and nothing else," as if they were handing out tic tacs. Then there are the really upside down, inside out and twisted people who subscribe to an ideal vision that only exist in their minds and use its non-existence an excuse to distance themselves from the reality.
When we label, we judge. When we condition our minds, we are incapable of feeling. When we are blinded by our visions we can not see what is right in front of us. Until we move beyond the relentless quest for answers and the imagined space that separates us we are no closer to the true experience than outsiders who are watching a sequence of events from afar. Be present, be awake, and be supple. Care not for where the road leads to but enjoy every step of the way. I hope to always give and receive with love and openness.
Take away the obvious rudeness of certain sayings, it is actually pleasant to spend time with the neighbor. We listen to music together. We talk about relationships, life, love, family. We do dishes together. We roll around and climb on top of each other like little kids. If we made a short documentary on intimacy it would show him telling me how many kids he wants to have, three, and what their names are, Garrett-after his favorite character from a fantasy book, Brynn for a girl and names of family members like Dan or Steve for the third one.
In Chinese we say you can't see the mountain if you're standing within it. As I smiled back at him I thought, someday many years from now, after you've tried on too many pairs of shoes that looks nice from the outside but never fit quite right, you're going to remember what we experienced here. You won't recall my name or what we've talked about but you will remember how I made you feel. You might even realize that it is possible to experience intimacy with a stranger and that even someone who doesn't fit your list of criteria can nevertheless make you feel understood.
Unlike the neighbor, Frank always knew the right thing to say at the right time. When I mentioned the interaction to him over dinner he cut me off before I could finish elaborating my thoughts and told me something I didn't realize I wanted and needed to hear. "You're having an affect on him," Frank said with absolute certainty, "no matter what happens from now on he'll never be the same again." And just like that, I felt understood, validated and relieved. For a street beggar, what's worse than not being given any money is not to be noticed. As confident and self-assuring as I am, at times a little acknowledgment can go a long way.