How fast can you go? I can't run yet but I can spin. There is nothing more exhilaration right now than going all in with heart-pumping music at the RMP class at work. In additional to having a break from my sedentary desk job, going to RMP makes me feel really great about my body.
It wasn't until recently that I started to become more aware of my body. By exercise regularly and deliberately, I began to see and feel how different parts of my body function and improve over time. I'm a few pounds heavier than I had been when I was in my early 20s but I have never felt more strong and confident physically. I know running has a lot to do with it. Even though I've always had strong legs and ran track when I was young, I never worked on endurance enough to even complete a 3k before. To know that I can go out there and put down ten miles is an amazing feeling. Second to that, is the feeling of sweat dropping down from my chin during a climbing track at RPM class. But instead more of a mental high I get from running, paddling over high resistance or spinning over 130 RPM makes me feel connected to my body in a visceral way. I feel high and sexy at the same time. Of course, the music helps too. How can you not feel hot when you're spinning to Party Bounce or Never Give It Up?
While I don't think I've ever had any body issues growing up I never really gave much thought about it either. Surely, we all think we can afford to loose a few pounds but I never felt the need to cover up at the beach or turn the lights off during sex. Pretty or not, I have long accepted that this is what I look like and this is how my body is shaped. Although I don't consider myself attractive, my appearance have served me well over the years. I was kind surprised reading about other women's struggle with their body images from Cyndi Lee's book, "May I be Happy." The opening passage was what made me take the book home from the library.
"Vinyasa has three parts: arising, abiding, and dissolving. And the dissolving of one thing is arising of the next. Every day turns into night turns into day. Winter becomes spring becomes summer becomes autumn becomes winter. Waves roll and slip back out; tides ebb and flow. Every breath is like this. Every life is like this.
Each flower buds, ripens, and blooms, wilts and fades away. The leaves fall to earth and create the ground for a new plant to grow.
The Sanskrit word vinyasa means "to place in a special way." It means that everything is connected and the sequence of things matters. It means that every action, thought, or word that arises now is planting the seed for future fruit. "In a special way" means the unfolding of life is logical. If you plant a tomato seed, you will get a tomato. If you plant an apple seed and you wait long enough, you will get an apple tree. And if you plant a hard thought, you will get a hard heart."
The author's "hard thought" was about her never ending criticism of her body. I don't know exactly what my own hard thoughts are. If I have them, they are not about my body, especially now. I am grateful for my health and I am grateful for my body. It has carried me through tough times, allowed me to go on my adventures and perhaps acted as the catalysts for friendships, relationships and other encounters over the years. This is the one and only body I will ever have and now is the time to be kind and take care of it.
What I really liked about the opening passage is the visual image of impermanence. As I begin my final countdown for moving out of Champaign, I can't help but to feel melancholic. Some days I contemplate on what life would be like if I stayed here. With the right person I could start a family here. It can be a lovely place for a family after all. But then, with the right person any place could be tolerable. Of course, when I show up at the office all the warm and fuzzy feelings dissolve instantly and all that's left is get me out of here, I can't stand this place for another minute! When that happens, I take a deeper breath and remind myself: there is impermanence in all things, this work, this place, this blog, this life. Live in the moment but don't attach to it.
In time, one way or another, life teaches all of us the lessons we need to learn. I learned to not to take things or myself so seriously. Whether or not things turn out the way we had planned doesn't change the fact that everything is transient. Yet at the same time life teaches us to live responsibly, for like the ripple effect, every action triggers a response, within you and around you.
Under my photo in my high school year book is a quote of my choice, "life is beautiful." I believed it even though they were just words to me. Now, more than ten years later, I am finally beginning to see and feel life. It's wondrous, light, and always more than what we could have imagined.