Dear Rose,
I haven't fully disclosed the circumstance and intent of my
trip to Russia. I can't sleep tonight so I'm taking the time to recount
the story to you.
You see, one night in January after I finished uploading
all my pictures from Nepal, I browsed through a few random photos from
other hikers. I inadvertently noticed photos that were extremely similar
to mine, to a point where I could tell we were looking at the same
sunset from the same angle because of the same cloud formation. So this
led me to leave a comment for the photographer, something benign like,
hey, nice photo, I've got the same one! At that point I had no idea who
the photographer is. Two days later I received a casual response and
then we connected on Facebook. Still, we had no other communication.
Then I randomly saw the cheap flight to Moscow. And upon a closer look, I
noticed the photographer is also from Moscow. I casually mentioned the
fight to him and suggested that he could be my guide. So then we
had a brief chat online about how he would be happy to show me around.
By this point I had gathered that he works at [XYZ] Moscow, lived in a few different places, California, Dublin, London.
He's obviously physically fit, an avid cyclist and practices meditation.
He also traveled extensively in China, along with other parts of the
world, and he is learning Chinese, even started a Chinese study group at
his office. He also has a PhD in economics. I didn't know his age but
based on his experiences I figured we were roughly the same. So somehow
these factors started to form a rather attractive image in my mind.
I hesitated on booking my flight to Moscow but I ultimately
decided to go for it because I wanted a chance to meet this guy in
person. I've never felt so strangely attracted to someone I hardly know
but you have to admit that he's got a nice resume. After I told him
about my trip he suggested we go to St. Petersburg for a couple of days.
At first I thought he meant over the weekend but he said it would be
from Monday to Wednesday. I was a bit surprised that he was willing to
take time off from work to travel with me. I wanted to think he was
interested in me but I wasn't sure.
My flight took off from JFK on Friday afternoon, just as he
landed in Moscow from his business trip from Dublin. We met up on
Saturday, the afternoon I arrived at Moscow. We were completely
comfortable with each other. He showed me the city and we went to the
ballet together. Nothing romantic happened but we really clicked. The
next day we met again to walk around the city and then took an evening
train to St. Petersburg together. The four hour train ride flew by as we
talked and joked about different things. It was wonderful.
Misha's friend had booked us a nice room at hotel with a city view.
There was one bed. We sat on the edge of the bed and watched the city
lights. Then we started to talk about relationships. It was a beautiful
and open conversation. The connection was unbelievable as we looked into
each others eyes for the longest time. Sure I was attracted to him but I
really didn't have the urge for sex. A while later, he leaned in and
kissed me, very lightly. Even though it was a romantic moment, to me it
felt more like a tiny gesture that said, hi, soul mate, I'm here, I
exist. We laid there for a long time just being close to each other. I
don't know if it's because I've been alone for a while but I can't even
begin to describe the high.
There we were, two strangers who went hiking in Nepal a day apart,
bumped into each other online by pure coincidence, one booked a flight
to Moscow, and the other took time off from work, now holding each other
in St. Petersburg, Russia! How amazing and crazy is that??? So
fucking amazing I even started to tear to up from the sense of relief I
felt when I realized that I have finally found what I've been looking
for all my life. We were like one, transparent, fearless, vulnerable
thing. It was a connection I never felt before and can't live without.
He wasn't just my soul mate, but someone who is also logistically
positioned to start a real life together!
Then things did happen. I was slightly reluctant, but we
did. It wasn't fireworks but it was good. We were up until 5:30am.
I woke up at 9:30 and went to have breakfast while he slept. Later he
woke up and smiled at me. We cuddled for a while. It was so lovely.
We eventually got out of the door around noon. It was a
cold, rainy, and miserable day. We walked for a while, mostly in
silence. I really wanted to be in a museum but everything was closed due
to a public holiday. We had lunch together and struggled with our
conversation. Afterwards I suggested we go back because I felt really
miserable in the weather. We had a little disagreement over whether we
should walk or take a taxi. I wanted to get a ride back because my shoes
were completely soaked and it would have taken us 40 minutes. But I
stayed quiet. Minutes later he stopped a taxi for us. I tried to be
affectionate when we got back to the hotel and he completely froze on
me, said everything is way too fast and he can't do this. I tried to
hear his rationale, something about he didn't want to just have sex for a
few days (which we weren't) and this is too fast for a relationship. He
said he didn't want to have this because he never had it before and
when I leave he'll never have it again.
I wasn't imagining things. I tried to refrain
myself from asking more questions because I realize that this isn't
some kind of rational debate on logic, where if I win I would get my
soul mate back. I would never win anyways. He's a professional and
skillful debater. He had completely closed up on me. It was devastating.
I cried. He turned on TV as he turned off the connection we
shared. He said good night and went to sleep. I laid next to him
motionlessly with a loneliness I haven't felt in a long time. I couldn't
sleep so I wanted to write to you and document what happened.