tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36097590857054448352024-03-14T04:19:35.596-04:00Fragments of a DreamLirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.comBlogger916125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-55073048097038546772017-03-18T20:09:00.002-04:002017-03-20T17:09:21.100-04:00A Day of CompanyThere milk on the sheets, on the floor, on my rob, and all over Owen's blankets no matter how many fresh ones I change throughout the day. There is milk literally everywhere. This morning I woke up with half of Owen's head soaked in milk. <br />
<br />
Owen was a bit fussy last night and demanded constant nursing instead of going to sleep as he had done previous nights this week. I held and nurses him for hours while propping myself up in bed with pillows. It was once again infuriating to watch Peter sleep so soundly next to us in total oblivion.<br />
<br />
To be able to spend so much time together as a family is both a blessing and a curse. It's well known that marital satisfaction hits its all time low during newborn phase. Spousal hatred is real. There is no time to hold hands or snuggle. There is no patience for please and thank you. Of the nine things my husband does right, I never fail to notice one thing he misses. Nothing is fast enough, good enough, or thoughtful enough. Why can't he just anticipate my needs? Most of them are pretty obvious. After telling him the same thing for 2-3 consecutive days I'm about to explode with impatience. Every sentence comes out in the form of a command or critique. On top of all that, there is the pressure to be everything to your spouse. Not only does he need to take care of things around the apartment, change diapers and keep a constant glass of water by myself, he also needs to be charming, attractive, eloquent and thought provoking. Unsurprisingly, neither one of us fits the bill. When tension runs high, one quick solution is to go see other people. <br />
<br />
Thankfully our couple friend with a seven-month old boy invited us over for homemade India food. Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-22636094822831639292017-03-14T20:47:00.000-04:002017-03-18T19:37:37.211-04:00Back Stabbing Pain!Owen continues to thrive yet his mom is falling into a total mess. I had stopped taking pain medication at the hospital. After coming home I noticed a shooting pain under the lower left side of my rib cage every time I took in a breath. It felt as if I had a broken rib. A quick search online yield no clear answer so I brushed it off as yet another adverse effect from the c-section. While my incisions are healing nicely without much discomfort, the pain on the left side of my back both front and back seem to have intensified over time. Two days ago the same pain somehow traveled up to my left shoulder. Now every time I inhale it feels as if someone is stabbing me all over the left side. The pain is so debilitating that I can't stand up straight, walk upright, lay on my left side, or take a full breath. That's right, I have been literally holding in my breath for nearly two weeks!<br />
<br />
My coworker joked about 3am purchases on Amazon as a desperate attempt for infant sleep solutions that comes with prime shipping. However, Owen is not the one with sleeping problems in this household. Instead of googling how to put a newborn to sleep, I'm the only one staying awake at odd hours googling things like "broken rib from c-section," "back pain from c-section," "shoulder pain from c-section," etc. After sorting through numerous online forums, I found out that it's normal and common to have pain at random places due to trapped gas from the surgery. The gas can exist both in the digestive system as constipation or in the body cavity as excessive air pockets that must be absorbed into the body in order for it to be expelled. I was aware of constipation both from the surgery and pain medication, specifically Percocet, but I had no idea that there could be gas somewhere else as well. In another word, I have back gas and it has travelled up to my shoulder! The persistent pain is so excruciating that it finally pushed me over the edge last night and had me crawled up on the floor crying. The only way I could tolerate nursing Owen was to have Peter place him flat on the floor while I get into child's pose perpendicularly on top of him and lower my nipple into his mouth.<br />
<br />
Although I had asked Peter to purchase Gas X earlier in the afternoon and mentioned to him that I was in pain, he went about doing the usual household chores without skipping a beat after placing Owen on the floor. I was immobilized by the pain and irritated by Peter's oblivion that I finally let out a scream to get him back to my side. "What can I do?" he asked, "I didn't realize you were in so much pain." Of course his reaction made me even more angry because I feel like whenever he doesn't know what to do, which seems like majority of the time, he chose to do nothing. This way of thinking is so counter to every cell in my being since I can't be farther from a do-nothing type person. After some screaming from my side Peter proceeded to massage my back. It helped a little but not nearly enough. Later in the night I slept with an electric heating pad under my back and a microwaveable heating pad on my shoulder. Frankly, it's the only way I could even lay down without screaming.<br />
<br />
I woke up this morning in the same miserable condition as last night if not worse. Despite a long and vigorous massage from Peter, I didn't feel well enough to have lunch or dinner. No vitamins or fish oil or placenta pills either. Just the thought of putting anything into mid section makes me sick. Coconut water is what has sustained me since I went into labor. Now the only thing I want to have are those chewable gas x tablets. The box says no more than four tablets a day. I want to swallow them by the handful even though they don't seem to do much.<br />
<br />
This evening was a special kind of torture. My back and shoulders were in so much pain that I couldn't even lay down in bed. Peter tried to massage my should without any success. I cried and screamed as if I was back in labor. The only thing I come close to tolerate was to stay sitting up in bed. I fed Owen that way and spent the rest of the night mostly awake in a semi reclining position.<br />
<div class="yj6qo ajU">
<div aria-label="Show trimmed content" class="ajR" data-tooltip="Show trimmed content" id=":26s" role="button" tabindex="0">
<img class="ajT" src="https://ssl.gstatic.com/ui/v1/icons/mail/images/cleardot.gif" /></div>
</div>
Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-65727142073185204792017-03-13T19:53:00.001-04:002017-03-18T20:03:34.777-04:00Nursing is Always the AnswerI had an inkling before but it's becoming even more clear now as a new parent that the pressure to grow your kid is real! Thankfully when they're this little, the solution to majority of problems is always nursing. <br />
<br />
Your baby is crying and fussy? Nurse him<br />
Your baby won't go to sleep? Nurse him<br />
Your baby's got the hiccups? Nurse him<br />
Your baby's got gas? Nurse him<br />
Your baby is not peeing enough? Nurse him<br />
Your baby is underweight? Nurse him<br />
Your baby is getting a cold? Nurse him<br />
Your baby is jaundiced? Nurse him more<br />
<br />
What works for the baby also works for the mom. <br />
<br />
Your milk is not in yet? Nurse your baby<br />
Your breasts are engorged? Nurse your baby<br />
Your breasts are hard, sore or tender? Nurse your baby<br />
Your milk duct is clogged? Nurse your baby<br />
Your recovery is going slow? Nurse your baby<br />
Your mood needs a boost? Nurse your baby<br />
Your supply is not enough? Nurse your baby<br />
<br />
Like all babies, Owen was a little jaundiced and lost about 8% of his birth weight when we left the hospital. At our one week home visit two days later, Owen weighed exactly the same as he did at the hospital, which prompted the question, is he gaining enough weight/getting enough milk? Of course, I wanted to make sure Owen is growing and that I was supplying enough for him to do so. However, I was quick to point out that he output of pee diapers is on track for where he should be. Peter has bee diligently logging it on his phone. I also questioned whether his weight had stayed the same for two days or if it had dipped down farther and is now on the rebound. We can't know for sure unless we had a daily record of things, which we don't. The midwife made it clear that from one week onward, Owen needs to grow an ounce a day.<br />
<br />
We had our two week visit from the midwife this morning. The pressure was on. Did I nurse him enough? I thought for sure I would get a lecture on how I am not feeding him enough, whether it's due to inadequate supply or poor latch or some combination of different failures. Yet when the scale went up, Owen came at seven pounds and seven ounces, exactly six ounces more than a week ago. Hallelujah! I felt as if I just passed the first test. Now I just have to continue to feed him constantly because whatever the issue may be, for now, nursing is always the answer. Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-19402267106356932942017-03-13T00:01:00.003-04:002017-03-13T19:53:17.312-04:00Owen's First ConcertWe took Owen to his first concert last night. Of course it had to be Bach at the National Cathedral (although the second half was Mendelssohn 's String Quartet No. 2). Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-55350276213511381372017-03-12T00:01:00.000-05:002017-03-18T19:08:23.633-04:00The Ultimate CupoutEveryone warned us about sleep deprivation before Owen joined us. It is what it is, we thought, sleep or no sleep we'll just have to roll with it. I stayed mostly awake during the nights at the hospital as Owen napped and nursed on top of me. The nurses also came to check on us every few hours throughout the night. Owen cried occasionally. Yet, somehow Peter was able to sleep through it all on the tiny pulled out sofa. On the second night, Peter slept undisturbed from 11pm to 7am. I couldn't wake him from my bed and really struggled to carry Owen with me to the bathroom. It was infuriating.<br />
<br />
Things have improved since we came home. Instead of having Owen on top of me each night, I would feed him and then pass him to Peter, who is a much more sound sleeper than I am and doesn't mind having Owen sleep on top of him. We did purchase an used Arms Reach for our bedroom just in case we needed it. But we had decided long ago that we were going to cosleep with our baby. It's the only thing that makes sense. What baby would want to sleep alone after spending all nine months snuggly inside mom's belly? Besides, Owen is such a beautiful baby. I would hate to miss out on sleeping next to him and watch his peaceful little face and hear him breath. So yes, Owen sleeps with us on our king size bed with tons and pillows and blankets and two wild felines. It's not recommended by the AAP but it works for us. <br />
<br />
Last night was the first time Owen slept through the entire night without fuss. Normally he gets bothered by gas between 3-4am so we have to walk him around and give him gas drops. I started him on probiotic drops two days ago to build his digestive system. I don't know if it's that or pure luck that last night, he didn't make a sound at all. Peter changed his diaper once and I side nursed him a few times while laying down. We slept so well that Peter even said he's worried that he's getting too much sleep.<br />
<br />
People assume just because we have a newborn that we're by default stressed out and sleep deprived. In reality things couldn't be more different. I have never been so relaxed and well rested now that I no longer have to stay up late to work on a law school paper or wake up in the morning panicking whether I f*ed up a project and the client is now going to fire us. I get to sleep in each morning and nap each afternoon. There is no pressure to do anything except to feed Owen and keep him healthy. For someone who have always raced from one difficult task to the next, this somehow feels like the ultimate copout. There is no stress except maybe to get started on this blog. But this kind of writing is something I want to and enjoy doing. <br />
<br />
Some things need to be written down as a way to process and let go. Other things needs to be treasured so they're not quickly forgotten. These days are filled with so many moments in the second category that I wish I had more time to capture them all. Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-83497374020961168692017-03-11T10:34:00.000-05:002017-03-11T10:34:24.358-05:00A Phase<br />
We have been gifted with a wonderfully easy going baby. Owen nurses, sleeps and poops like a little champ and almost never cries unless he's bothered by gas. People continue to tell me it's just a phase, like what they said about my uneventful pregnancy. Just you wait for the hemorrhoids, just you wait for the incessant crying, they say. But isn't that how things are? They are easy until they become hard. Owen is changing from day to day and so are we. I don't wake up each morning expecting a repeat of yesterday. That's the beauty of today. It begins. It ends. It's a phase. Everything is a phase. This breath. This life. All we can do is to take each moment as it comes. <br />
<br />
Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-30187853391747954332017-03-03T18:41:00.000-05:002017-03-11T10:39:20.558-05:00A Birth StoryLike fingerprints that are unique to each individual, every woman too has an uniquely personal story of how she came into motherhood. The words that came to my mind when I think of the birth I wanted are: love, intimacy, and connection. I envisioned giving birth in a home filled with love, a space that is safe and sacred, with a connection to all those who have walked this path before me and a visceral connection to life and death itself. <br />
<br />
My clean bill of health prior to being pregnant coupled with an uneventful pregnancy made me a prime candidate for a homebirth. Instead of attending a birthing class, I read Ina May books and made Peter watch every documentary there is on natural childbirth. We listened to birthing podcasts and read upon just about every topic related to childbirth. If any couple was prepared for a homebirth, it would be us. Everything became more real as we rounded the corner on the third trimester and installed the birthing tub in our dinning area after week 37. Still, I knew all along that life unfolds in mysterious ways. We may not always get the birth we wanted or planned for but if all goes accordingly, we get what we need. Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-55156473464591244262017-01-19T18:50:00.002-05:002017-01-19T18:50:37.553-05:0033 WeeksOver 33 weeks now and nearly 150lbs. I still feel good as ever, knock on wood. The midwife came to see us today at our place. I feel so fortunate to have found these amazing women who will help to welcome my baby here. Because they offer complete home care, along with home birth, we have been able to completely stay out of the hospital so far. It is a relief to not have to get to the hospital each time, wait around, change into gowns and get inundated with endless and unnecessary tests. Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-69972409689458875232017-01-16T22:14:00.000-05:002017-01-19T18:46:31.239-05:00A Weekend Trip to Niagara FallsThree-day weekend and unable to sit still at home, we embarked on a long drive up to Niagara Falls, 7 and half hours to be exact. Having grown up in Rochester, NY, I had been to the Falls a bunch of times but Peter had never visited before. I figured this is as good of a time as any. Besides, falls view suit is much more affordable this time of the year. <br />
<br />
<div style="clear: left; float: left; height: 1082px; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; width: 574px;">
<div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">
<img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGtA5Ex-LqFFpRelxpTjjRS29wagA7n51LgX4X4qrDdVPnV9ZEtgYBTHIB30W0OHQsd2nCZFbnm16yY0sukIxTQnXI2XMM5fcs28DHucC7-mafcD5XCmOJDZ8RsBKEbsogiTUnh7VlKaM/s320/Wings.jpg" width="320" /> </div>
The hardest part of long distance driving remains to be dead silence as Peter is not much of a talker. I prepared a number of podcasts for the trip and it worked out well. By dinner time we were happily devouring Buffalo wings at Duff's in Buffalo, NY. The smell of fried wings and vinegary sauce instantly reaffirmed our presence in Western New York. And I must say, Duff's is THE place to be and the wings are considerably bigger and juicier than the ones from Anchor Bar. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
It has probably been 8 years since the last time I visited the Falls. I can't believe how much more commercialized the area has become. Hotels, casinos, chain restaurants, etc. I guess this is the Americanized Canadian way. The falls view room we had reserved wasn't available when we checked in at the Embassy. Instead, the hotel upgraded our second night to a falls view suit and provided complementary parking and wifi. I thought it was a good deal since two nights of parking would have been $60 and do we really need to look at the falls from our room for two nights? <br />
<br />
Since there isn't really all that much to do around Niagara Falls, we decided to take a few photos in the morning and drive up to Toronto for the rest of Sunday. Markham, a suburb outside of the city with massive Asian population, is the true destination for Chinese food on this side of the continent. The neighborhood is dotted with Chinese restaurants, markets, and even a shopping mall. It makes Flushing, NY looks tiny. The lunch place we stopped in wasn't anything to write home about. Fortunately, I stuck with my plan and got takeout from a restaurant called Xin Jiang for dinner. Xin Jiang is a province for ethnic minority on the northwestern boarder of China, known for its lamb skewers and beautiful women. The lamb skewers and lamb ribs from this restaurant did not disappoint! We even got to enjoy them from our falls view suit. How sweet! <br />
<br />
Before we got back from Toronto, we met up with one of my colleagues from the Eastman School of Music, who had just moved to the city with her new husband. They are such a cute and cheery couple. How exciting it is to start a young life together. It kind made me feel old even though I know I'm not that old and we're newly weds ourselves too! <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOJq6sIAMHNI4P4EmNk-oNiM2okRFhkKt7CQ7gYY59vCfn69f3Q10dkLyAlLav9ooFn1t6EI6V2RCx-7qaq8w4i8L02MTjhRH_hDH0FECgrOHk_Z_0QFeQNjMELc-153fJ8QKoyRxTFYI/s1600/Niagara+Falls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOJq6sIAMHNI4P4EmNk-oNiM2okRFhkKt7CQ7gYY59vCfn69f3Q10dkLyAlLav9ooFn1t6EI6V2RCx-7qaq8w4i8L02MTjhRH_hDH0FECgrOHk_Z_0QFeQNjMELc-153fJ8QKoyRxTFYI/s320/Niagara+Falls.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
</div>
Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-70640497392130972862017-01-09T21:45:00.000-05:002017-01-10T22:04:00.440-05:00Grievances and AppearanceThere is no shortage of complaints from mommas-to-be, from pregnancy related symptoms to negative body images. The one take away from a prenatal yoga class I attended weeks ago was that I refer not to be in the company of so many complaints. Surely there is comfort in commiseration and often times that's how we connect with one another. Pregnancy and childbirth are serious life events that can be difficult in one way or another for many people. I too have experienced common symptoms such as nausea, fatigue, lightheadedness, shortness of breath, lower back pain, and just general discomfort. It is no fun to wake up in the middle of the night with excruciating leg cramp. Still, I know this pregnancy has been easy on me in comparison and I'm grateful for it. I want to stay positive and truly enjoy this rare moment in my life. <br />
<br />
While some people fret about the increase in body weight and potentially appear less attractive to their partners during pregnancy, I really don't share these concerns. I emphasize with those who really do struggle with weight and medical issues but many people I hear from are in perfect health and weight. I remain convinced that who we are before pregnancy and childbirth is who we will be afterwards. We can be transformed and inspired, but fundamentally we remain the same. I never obsessed much over my weight or appearance before pregnancy and seeing my body transforming now doesn't alarm me the least bit. I want to look nice and be at a healthy weight but that's really the extent of my preoccupation. Ultimately I prefer to care about how my body functions and feels, rather than how it looks and how much it weighs. <br />
<br />
It wasn't until we started seeing a midwife that I even purchased a scale. I'm not exactly sure what my base weight is other than it being somewhere around 120-125lbs. I now weigh 145 and I feel great about it. Every time I step on the scale now Peter would look on excitedly, hoping to see a sign of the baby growing inside. After all, we would never look at a tree with new leaves in the spring and think it's gaining weight. <br />
<br />
I have gradually stopped wearing makeup on a daily basis in the last few years. My skin has never been healthier. I feel good about not having to spend so much time and money on tiny bottles of poison. I also like the fact that since I met my husband after 6 days of hiking with no shower or makeup, I don't feel any pressure to uphold some kind of artificial standard of beauty. Peter sees me bare as I am day in and day out and tells me that I'm beautiful. When I do dress up and get made up occasionally, he gets all giddy and tells me I'm beautiful in a different way. I feel easy around him. I feel easy around myself. It's a beautiful time in my life and I want to keep it that way.Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-49200653920738683182017-01-08T22:13:00.003-05:002017-01-10T21:59:46.714-05:00First SnowIt has been a cold weekend. We had our first snow on Saturday. It didn't deter us from venturing out to an Indian buffet for lunch. We have been deprived of Indian food since moving out of Manhattan in August. Thankfully the goat biryani and palak paneer didn't disappoint. We then stopped by Audi and Wegmans to pick up supplies for next week. Upcoming meals will include mozzarella stuffed meatballs, chicken alfredo and moussaka! As much as people talk about pregnancy cravings, I can't say I have any, maybe except for things I shouldn't be eating like raw oysters and sashimi! Also looking forward to be able to binge drink coffee someday! I've been limited to pretty much one to two cups a day since the beginning. <br />
<br />
When a lovely ray of sunlight came through in the afternoon, I suggested that we go out to the woods behind the apartment for some pictures. Peter take beautiful landscape photos but really doesn't have much practice when it comes to portraits. Fortunately we got a few nice shots before I froze. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvdDhGgHJ1WlGLUvLBwC50K7uCxLv3-cwT-nG_3GBAN4OWezV9sm8XUrr_eR5ccUALINrnNThtm2mGVjNJCRH1eUUM4EXGHLTX_vsifLd5apHQmWy5i25rYUiHU-SjtgiBNjHM5rt2Xlo/s1600/P1075449.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvdDhGgHJ1WlGLUvLBwC50K7uCxLv3-cwT-nG_3GBAN4OWezV9sm8XUrr_eR5ccUALINrnNThtm2mGVjNJCRH1eUUM4EXGHLTX_vsifLd5apHQmWy5i25rYUiHU-SjtgiBNjHM5rt2Xlo/s320/P1075449.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-8437908359391439122016-12-31T22:14:00.000-05:002017-01-10T22:14:47.218-05:00Family Hot PotLirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-11440465422016045512016-12-29T22:42:00.000-05:002017-01-10T21:46:46.092-05:00ChoicesThe holidays came and went. I was glad to have found out that my stepfather came down with a bad case of flu just before Christmas. It saved us a trip up to New Jersey to visit my parents, which I had vowed not to do after a blowout with them over the phone a couple of weeks ago.<br />
<br />
Like most parents with children of childbearing age, my parents pined for grandchildren. Unfortunately for my parents, neither of their kids were on the verge of procreation. While I had no steady partner nor a strong desire to have kids, my stepbrother and his wife to struggled with fertility issues. <br />
Still, my parents did not hesitate to make their wishes known, with obnoxious frequency and sometimes at the most inopportune times. I distinctively recall my mother bringing up the possibility of using a sperm bank four years ago, the night before my LSAT exam. The same topic was revisited almost religiously during our weekly phone call. Anytime I resisted the idea of having kids, my mother would say something like, all normal people have kids, it's what you do, you'll change your mind and if you don't, you will regret it. And like most children, the more she insisted the more I resisted. <br />
<br />
I had consciously thought long and hard about having kids for the last four years. I wrote about it, read about it, talked about it, and even created a gap analysis for it. While the exercise had provided no clear answer one way or another, it did became somewhat obvious that having kids is just might not be one of my lifelong goals. The only positive that came of it was to realize that I wanted to live my life to the extent of my abilities so that if I were to have kids, I could tell them a life I was proud of. This realization is what pushed me to go to law school, move to NYC, run, volunteer, travel, hike and generally live how I would want to inspire my kids to live. <br />
<br />
Four years was long enough to get comfortable with a choice. While I was happy about the pregnancy, I kept the development mostly to myself. There have been so many other changes, challenges, and even difficulties in my life lately that I was not in the mood to jump up for joy. Besides, getting pregnant for me was not an accomplishment. Unlike people who had to try every possible method to conceive, there was nothing for me to do except to lay there. Frankly, it was the least amount of trying I had ever done in my life and certainly nothing worthy of all the congratulatory hoopla. That, of course, is not to say that I am not thankful everyday that things came so easy to me. It's just I can take no personal credit for such happening. <br />
<br />
When people did hear about the news, their reactions often turned to something like, your parents must be so thrilled! It wasn't until recently that my parents even became aware of my pregnancy. I had no desire to tell them. In fact, I never said anything to them at all except I look obviously pregnant when they saw me over Thanksgiving. They were predictably happy, which made me annoyed. It was as if they had finally won. Admittedly it's a silly hang up on my part. <br />
<br />
What's so wrong about making your parents happy, you ask. Imagine if your parents are raging racists who vehemently opposed to you having a black boyfriend and made their disgust known at the daily dinner table. Sometime later you happen to break up with your black boyfriend and started to date someone white. Would you feel so eager to tell your parents you're finally dating in the proper race and watch them celebrate with glee? <br />
<br />
While it is true that parents always want the best for their kids, it is difficult, if not impossible to not act from self interest and power. I have always believed, and hope to continue to believe, that to give life is to allow the liberty to make one's own choices, even at the risk of total failure. There is a reason why life and liberty are the two principles so commonly spoken together in western ideology. There are very few people who are truly happy for you. To celebrate someone is to celebrate the choices they make, whether or not those are the same choices you have or would have made, or even approve of. Anytime short of that is not a celebration of an unique individual, but rather, you happened to have gotten your way. <br />
<br />
I have made many choices, over and again, not in any alignment to what my parents had wished for me. My mom, perhaps due to a difficult life of her own, always wanted me to have a life of comfort and security. There is nothing awful about that except those are not the objects of my pursuit. Consequently, we fought at every fork on the road and I picked every path over against her wishes. Time goes on, things change, but hurtful words, once said, are not easily forgotten. Instead of objection, empathy or pity over my hard choices, I wish my mother had been more encouraging and openly supportive. <br />
<br />
On the bright side, going against my own mother consistently and starting at an early age, helped me to grow a strong backbone for everything and everyone else that came across my path. I've learned to do my own thing and seek approval from no one. Some of us became the way we are because of our parents, and some in spite of them. It just goes to show that there is no definitive way to parenting. After all, I have no doubt that my parents want what they think is best for me. And I have no doubt that I will make the same mistakes they have. I only hope my kids will be more forgiving than I am. Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-84275012015781618412016-12-28T10:30:00.001-05:002016-12-28T11:01:11.017-05:00Six MonthsSix months ago I married a stranger, who is now becoming my best friend. It was a shot in the dark at best, with conflicted emotions and reservations from both sides. Like all things new and uncertain, I wanted to give it a go. The past six months have been some of the most difficult time I have ever spent in a relationship, mostly because we stayed, willingly or reluctantly, and that have made all the difference. I'm happy we are here, together, and the best is yet to come. Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-38322854652551950232016-12-27T15:36:00.003-05:002017-01-10T22:11:56.728-05:00Making It OurselvesIt is possible to be comfortable hiking and camping. It just takes a little preparation and a lot of discipline. There are countless retailers selling the latest and lightest gears and supplies. And we have been and will continue to pay for commercial products. However, there's no doubt in my mind that to really "do" it is to get into the weeds and get our hands dirty on experimenting and making our own food and gears. After all, that is the Ray-way! The Jardine books were one of the first and only hiking books I've read. I'm obsessed about making a Ray quilt one of these days but for now, we've got our hands full with other essentials for our trip. <br />
<br />
The first two pieces of equipment we purchased are the Excalibur 3926TB Dehydrator and a Singer heavy duty sewing machine. In the past I have relied heavily on ready-made, individually packed, freeze-dried meals from brands like Mountain House and <span class="a-size-small a-color-secondary">Backpacker's Pantry. They work well for shorter hikes, easy to carry and easy to cook, just add boiling water and voila, you're ready to enjoy a tasty hot meal. I'm a big fan of the Chili Mac with Beef. We had Mountain House meals for all our dinners on the West Coast Trail. However, now that we're considering a mega-long trip, we both felt it was time to invest in a top rated dehydrator to see if we can gain efficiency in terms of cost and weight. </span><br />
<span class="a-size-small a-color-secondary"></span><br />
<span class="a-size-small a-color-secondary">One of the keys to an enjoyable hike is to be disciplined about pack volume and weight. We simply can't carry individually packed meals and snack bars with all of the wrappers and useless trash. Eventually everything will be repackaged in bulk with the minimum amount of packaging waste. So far we have done quite a bit or research online on dehydration recipes and packing method. I am getting accustomed to sleep through the sound of the Excalibur dehydrating bulk ingredients. We now have put together six easy to assemble camping meals using on one main carb as base, one seasoned meat and a number of veggies. For example, one meal can be instant cous cous with Ethiopian spiced beef, and green peppers and onions. Another meal can be pasta with meat sauce and mushrooms. I have always used the JetBoil Flash as my cooking system. Its one liter cup is great for boiling water but not so much for cooking. I recently ordered the 1.5 liter pot flex ring for our one-pot-meals. Once it gets here we'll have to walk to a nearby campground to test out our meals. </span><br />
<br />
We also plan to put our new sewing machine to good use by making our own baby carrier that attaches directly to our packs. So far Peter has been practicing using the sewing machine by making cat toys and burp clothes from fabric remnants we got at a deep discount from JoAnn's. The cats are now spoiled with all kinds of catnip toys! <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj93SqNWdcgfUl66d3_rx0EuzkaqBhEmxYMxeCLWKP877QdVmf1MUDiV9vcMPLx4KV_2uHbNKL_VMgsLNwk7g7lHXlWRBb6dcltViGDYHK00lLDt_3UZuNEBguNFIFpXtIc9NTfeJmBh74/s1600/Cat+Toys.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="199" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj93SqNWdcgfUl66d3_rx0EuzkaqBhEmxYMxeCLWKP877QdVmf1MUDiV9vcMPLx4KV_2uHbNKL_VMgsLNwk7g7lHXlWRBb6dcltViGDYHK00lLDt_3UZuNEBguNFIFpXtIc9NTfeJmBh74/s320/Cat+Toys.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-30994234825820825542016-12-26T14:19:00.000-05:002017-01-10T22:12:40.781-05:00Nesting? Another six pounds of ground beef is cooked and loaded into the Excalibur. In the last few days we have dehydrated ten zucchinis, a giant batch of green bell peppers, and probably more carrots than both of us have ever eaten. Our latest shopping trips include bulk hot chocolate, instant rice, mash potatoes and endless supply of zip lock bags in all sizes from wholesale clubs. Our doorway is blocked by a constant stream of packages from Sierra Trading Post, LeftLane Sports, Campsaver, Amazon, and other online retailers for hiking supplies. While standing in front of the sink draining tomato sauce, I can't help but to chuckle and wonder if this at all resembles the behavior of a nesting mother-to-be in the third trimester. <br />
<br />
But then again, I'm a type-A, everything-must-be-done-right-now kind of gal. I've already acquired the crib and the change table, the rocker and the arms reach, and the Medela Freestyle Pump ready for back to work. We have diapers stocked up to size 3 and more than enough used clothing from the Goodwill to last through the first year. Peter has been forced to watch every natural childbirth and breastfeeding documentary on Netflix and Amazon. And that's all just half way through the second trimester. <br />
<br />
By the end of November there was a swift change in our plan. While we continue to prepare for the baby's arrival, we are now also inching towards the biggest family project to-date. I've never been shy to take on new experiences, however seemly crazy and implausible they may be. When Peter looked into my eyes and said, if this is something you want to do I want to do it with you, I knew, we've got to give it a try. It is difficult to share our ultimate plan since very few people may understand. While we welcome constructive criticism and suggestions, we can live without the negative feedback. Thankfully neither understanding nor approval is required from anyone but ourselves.<br />
<br />
Life is already hard enough as it is for everyone. Whenever someone proposes a new idea or pursuit to me, I always cheer them on and say, go for it! There is no adventure or satisfaction in doing things we know we can do but rather to try things that are just beyond our imaginary limit. Average people accomplish extraordinary things not due to their abilities but their imagination and willingness to try. Knowledge can be gained, skills can be acquired, but the will to pursue your dreams must be called forth from within. This is easier done when you surround yourself with inspirational role models and people who are just as crazy. I'm happy to have found Peter. He's on the same crazy train to crazy down with me (even though he might be coming along as a passive passenger at times). <br />
<br />
So back to baby things... My friend Liz introduced me to the Facebook world of cloth diaper and babywearing. And we've even made personal appearances at the local babywearing and a La Leche League meeting earlier this month. I'm now going through the LLL book on the Womenly Art of Breastfeeding, while Peter is reading What to Expect in the First Year. The next on the agenda are infant care and breastfeeding classes. Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-51023717845548167982016-12-23T16:06:00.000-05:002017-01-10T22:12:58.867-05:00Home Home to most people is a stationary concept, even if temporary in nature. Having moved frequently since early childhood, at first by circumstance and later by choice, I don't consider myself the rootless type, but rather, someone who is efficient at homebuilding. Every time I moved, I settled, really settled. There was never a sense of making do when it comes to homebuilding, even when I knew I was only passing through a temporary station. But then, I just don't do things half assedly. The homes I built were beautiful and cozy. They made me feel proud and grounded. <br />
<br />
Over the years, I'd like to think I've further evolved and improved on my homebuilding skills. Perhaps home can be a more fluid concept, rather than a point to point station. And homebuilding, a more constant action, rather than a stop-and-go interval. This realization became especially obvious when I entered the world of multi-day hiking and backpacking. To know that I can walk with everything I need to make a home wherever I stop is truly exhilarating. It is not the same sense of comfort as the one we are used to in our daily lives yet the simplicity and beauty of it all creates a new sense of comfort. I can't explain how wonderful it is to wake up in a tent and not have to wonder what I should wear. I only have one pair of pants. If it's cold, I put it on the outside of the baselayer I wore to sleep. The key to immerse ourselves in any new experience to not frame it as outside of our comfort zone, or even relate to what we've known as comfortable, but rather to open ourselves up to a new sense of comfort. Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-58864884508103288812016-12-19T16:37:00.000-05:002016-12-27T16:37:45.473-05:00Gender Reveal<div>
A lot people have asked us if we're having a boy or girl. We don't feel the need to know or have any preference either way. Initially, I kept replying, oh we'll find out when it gets here. After some thought I feel the need to correct myself by saying, no, we're not finding out now and may not even find out for a while after the baby gets here. </div>
<div>
Gender identification is not something to be read off from an ultrasound scan or determined from body parts. I don't need to prepare myself or my baby to be in any particular gender. Someday we will find out on the kid's own term when it's really to tell us and our love will never change.</div>
Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-75332537866259902712016-12-10T16:28:00.000-05:002016-12-28T11:04:14.268-05:00Babywearing <div class="separator" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
There are meetings and groups for all things baby related and one of them happens to be babywearing. My friend Liz introduced us to this group called <a href="http://babywearinginternational.org/about-bwi/chapters/">Babywearing International</a> (or BWI, also the airport code for Baltimore-Washington International Airport). The group educates people on how and what to use to wear their babies and offers an annual membership that allow people to checkout various carriers to try at home. It's a great deal considering how expensive these carriers are sold at retail! Sticker shock!<br />
<br />
We are immensely interested in this topic since carrying the baby the only way we can be mobile until it can walk on its own at a reasonable pace and attention span. Peter and I both love the outdoors and traveling in general. Not surprisingly, the very first piece of baby gear I purchased upon seeing the positive result on the pee stick was an Ospray child carrier. However, in order to use the back carrier, the baby has to be able to sit up on its own, which could easily take up to six months. How will we move around before then? Especially with the precious time I will have off from work? Front carry it has to be!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH5PQZnwRCeKwGqRTremKIBm3BwsAMAjhg-GXO6o8NW3skY_8d43XZJl3PknMBPMo3zGox7wZAzxAjxCLWt1Ur7vG7KqXLTKk0l6CAJbF8MgoBe6v1CzI_98GkC9tKgjOFDEkT5U2MX7A/s1600/FullSizeRender.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH5PQZnwRCeKwGqRTremKIBm3BwsAMAjhg-GXO6o8NW3skY_8d43XZJl3PknMBPMo3zGox7wZAzxAjxCLWt1Ur7vG7KqXLTKk0l6CAJbF8MgoBe6v1CzI_98GkC9tKgjOFDEkT5U2MX7A/s320/FullSizeRender.jpg" width="222" /></a></div>
<br />
So...we showed up at our local BWI chapter meeting with my zpack half full of hiking gears. The goal was to find a carrier that could carry a young infant in the front while carrying a full pack behind. </div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-23873579155116071632016-03-18T22:37:00.000-04:002016-04-12T23:18:43.657-04:00Punta ArenasI flew overnight from JFK to Santiago and then transferred on a flight to Punta Areas, the southernmost city on the continent. Everything went smoothly, no one even took a second look at my Osprey as a carry-on. As we approached the tip of the Patagonia, I got glimpses of snow-capped mountains and glacier between the clouds. It was both exhilarating and terrifying to know I soon will be standing in the midst of it all.<br />
<br />
The plane made a 180 degree turn over the <span class="widget-pane-section-facts-description-text">Strait of Magellan </span>and approached the landing strip from the south. There is nothing particular noticeable about this area from the above. The land is flat and barren as far as the eyes can see. There is no mistake that we have arrived at the end of the world.<br />
<br />
As soon as I stepped outside, I was quickly reminded the wind in Patagonia. It was a cloudy day. The air temperature couldn't have been lower than mid 40s but the wind made it feel much colder. I looked around for public transportation into town and eventually found a white van. A couple of hiking packs were already in the back. I tried to ask an American guy about his trip. He asked if I speak Spanish. I said no and he ignored me the rest of the way. I couldn't tell if it was more rude for me to not speak Spanish in a Spanish speaking country or for him to not speak English to an English speaker from the same country (but I realized that to him I'm just some random Chinese girl). Instead I listened to him attempt to carry on a conversation in broken Spanish with a Chilean girl, who is stationed on the military base in Punta Arenas. Later on, I briefly chatted with an Italian couple and found out they had about the same itinerary as me.<br />
<br />
It took us about 20 minutes to arrive in town. I was the last one to get dropped off but before that I asked the driver to recommend a restaurant for dinner (IN SPANISH). Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-47241719215490138822016-03-17T21:39:00.000-04:002016-12-27T14:09:56.880-05:00Going to PatagoniaThe fear of unknown is the greatest fear of all. - <span class="st">Yvon Chouinard</span><br />
<br />
<span class="st">Traveling was centered around sightseeing when I first started going to places. After I moved to NYC three years ago, my way of traveling took on a different direction. The constant discontentment towards what I have propelled me to seek all that I lacked: nature. And in the midst of unfounded mental anguish I gravitated towards a newfound a comfort in physical hardship. My experiences of altitude sickness in Peru and mind-numbing cold in the Himalayas often left people shaking their heads wondering why anyone would chose to endure so much suffering on their vacation. </span><br />
<span class="st"><br /></span>
<span class="st">People see smiling pictures of me from different places and they assume that I'm addicted to traveling and that it must be easy for me to get around. While the first one may hold some water, the second assumption can't be farther from the truth. Sorting out logistics is one thing but like people who dislike traveling, I too must overcome many mental hurdles to get out of the door. It takes a lot of trust in people and things to let yourself go into the unknown. For example, although I'm no stranger to flying, I too have a mini freak out sessions on my way to the airport. There can be endless things to worry about when you get out of your daily routine and trust me, I have thought of them all. It takes an enormous amount of mental discipline for me to keep moving forward. This is why I find it difficult to answer when people ask me what I like to do. Do I really like traveling? Do I really like running? None of it is easy or pleasant. Perhaps that's why I keep going back to them and trying on more challenging things. </span><br />
<span class="st"><br /></span>
<span class="st">After going on a few guided commercial hikes, I've decided to venture out on my own to hike the "W" circuit in Torres del Paine. I've read the guidebook a dozen times and made some attempt at booking hostels, buses and even cabins along the trail. But in the end, I only booked a hostel for my first night in Punta Areas. The rest I'll have to figure out once I get there. I've never camped by myself before. Even though I know there will be other people around I'm still terrified. But I guess that's the point. You're not challenging yourself enough if it doesn't scare you. </span><br />
<span class="st"><br /></span>
<span class="st">So how do I really feel when I get on the road? Like that screaming kid being dropped of at the daycare. </span>Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-46526478741115022972016-02-21T21:37:00.000-05:002016-04-12T21:38:02.895-04:00A Weekend in NCLirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-45609769583833698992016-01-23T12:13:00.000-05:002016-05-02T12:01:05.891-04:00Now What?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/g24eOZsbErg/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/g24eOZsbErg?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
<br />Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-49961609120408384342016-01-12T12:11:00.000-05:002016-02-18T12:12:42.444-05:00Sunday in MoshiLirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3609759085705444835.post-471952228704383012016-01-11T12:11:00.000-05:002016-02-18T12:11:46.990-05:00Kili Rescue Lirenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08971488761655382500noreply@blogger.com0